more goodies

The little girl

Saw a 5-inch red centipede trying to enter my house via the open garage door tonight, without thinking stomped on it, wearing flip flops. One end of the little freakazoid came up and wrapped right around my big toe. I leapt 9 feet in the air, wiggled my leg like it was on fire and made all sorts of movements with my arms that I really hope didn't get videotaped. It fell off. It didn't sting me- either because I'd squashed the stingy end or it was just laughing so hard at what an idiot I was. I made several shuddery sounds, flicked it into the bushes with my wife's shoe, and closed the garage. I really hate those things.

High-5 Failure

I saw an older woman in the grocery store parking lot today.. She was pushing her cart full of various wares and a small caucasian child I can only assume she must have stolen or won in some sort of gambling scheme.

She looked familiar, I felt that I knew her from somewhere so I thought I'd be fun and give her a high five, but she shrunk away from me in abject terror and ran away screaming. She continued yelling at me in her native tongue, couldn't make out the details. This was very disconcerting, and I feel bad.

Due to Popular demand

For my #1 Fan....

Mushroom Chicken

6-8 boneless chicken breasts
large can of mushroom soup
small can of mushroom pieces
1/2 cup of cooking sherry (the cooking stuff- regular sherry tastes like something you'd make in a prison cell toilet)
small bag of stuffing (crumbles, not cubes)
1/4 cup of melted butter
6-8 slices of swiss cheese

spray baking pan or line with foil. place breasts in pan and pepper. Mix soup, mushrooms, and sherry until it's a single goopy mass. Place cheese slices on each breast, top with goop, and sprinkle all the stuffing over that, covering all the goop. Drizzle butter over stuffing, my nizzle. Bake uncovered at 350 for 1 hour. Remove and eat with fork.

It's Ass-Tastic!

I'm Ron Burgundy??

On the flinging of Poo.

Two Red-Assed Orangutans, Phil and Mike, were sitting in their tree. Their tree was entirely filled with chimpanzees, who were loud and annoying, but it's a nice tree so they liked it and stayed.

One day, all the chimps in the tree were having their big annual poo flinging contest. They were flinging poo thirty, fourty, even some of the bigger ones were throwing turds some fifty feet.

Phil and Mike, as they liked to do, made fun of most of the seemingly weak-armed chimps. The two had been poo flinging experts back in their previous tree, a Red-Assed Orangutan tree, but now that they had moved Mike didn't to it as much as Phil anymore, but still reminisced with Phil about poo-flinging glories of days past.

After a couple of rather stinging insults from Mike directed at the chimps and their frail poo flinging form, Phil thought he'd razz Mike for a change of pace and claim that Mike couldn't throw a turd 40 feet. Mike had thrown poo a hundred feet back in the old days when turd hurtling took up most of the day, and it was downright insulting that Phil would claim he couldn't toss a buttnugget a measly 40 feet.

Unfortunately, some of the chimps overheard the argument and thought it a good time to chime in and egg Mike on and get some revenge for all his chimp related insults over the past months. Most of the chimps were jealous of Phil and Mike's larger stature and more impressive bellowing skills, (to say nothing of those glorious bright red asses) So, soon the whole tree was chattering about Mike and Phil and their challenge. It was too late to back down for Mike, he had to prove himself.

Phil was a little worried because he knew his friend hadn't chucked a turd more than 10 feet in a while, and even then only for the purpose of sheer necessity (a chimp had been looking the other way while perched precariously on the end of a branch- the resulting fall was as spectacularly hilarious as it was fatal). You see turdchucking had fallen out of fashion as they'd done so darn much of it in the old tree. He whispered to Mike that maybe they should just forget about the whole thing and get on with life, but it was too late- the pressure was ratcheted up and the poo needed flinging.

So, the next morning, at the crack of dawn (it flies farthest in the morning, when covered with poo dew) Phil and Mike went down to the Poo Tossing ring at the base of the tree and
Phil threw a couple of practice tosses out the the 38-45 foot rang so Mike was sure to get the right fecal trajectory.

Mike picked out the most aerodynamic, dimpled stool he could find, heaved back, and hurled it into the morning sky.

Thump. 32 feet.

"Just warming up, good one Mike, now you're ready" encouraged Phil. He could see in Mike's eyes he was surprised at how short it had fallen. "Must've been my twingy elbow", he muttered while picking up another stinky dimpler.

Grunt, heave, eyes to the sky, Splat. 33 feet.

Silence in the tree as Mike grabbed the nearest colon biscuit he could reach.

Splud. 29 feet.

Off flew a corn-studded stink cylinder

splat. 28 feet.

silence.

Mike slowly walked back to the tree and swung up a few branches to the usual perch. Phil followed in silence.

Chimps stopped by from time to time, either goading poor Mike or offering advice on butt-mudslinging, but none of it was really that helpful. They were weak little chimps, not strong and gorgeously red-assed Orangutans. It wasn't s'posed to be that way.

Phil felt terrible as well, as he could see that his good friend, the only one in the tree that he had known since the old days, was now worse off because of his own actions.

Neither of them slept all that well that night.

The next morning, Phil walked over to Mike's branch and put his arm around his old pal. He brought his other hand from around his back and opened it in front of mike. there in his hand was the most perfectly formed buttrocket ever produced by a Red Assed Orangutan. Nearly round with some excellent gripping stones on the seam and a couple of sticks poking out in several spots, were he in a better mood, he would have flung it on the spot for sheer joy.

"New challenge," whispered Phil. "See that chimp on the edge of that branch?"

Mike smiled, and hurled the chocolate missile.

tactical acquisition

just acquired all 7 harry potter audiobooks, as read by brit stephen fry in a very british voice with very british pronunciation. at 72 hours total length, should take care of traffic boredom until november.

saturday morning surprise

I woke to the sounds of my youngest doing something downstairs, not sure what, it's never good. Someday I'd love to go downstairs and catch him balancing the checkbook or cleaning out the fruit drawer of the fridge, but not yet, and not this time. Go down to investigate and there he is putting goldfish crackers in the fish tank. I guess that makes sense in several ways, fish probably like smaller fish made of bread. so I couldn't be that angry, even though the wife told him to stop putting food in the fish tank yesterday. It's hard to get mad at the best looking, smartest two year old on earth.

Weight loss

OK, so here's the before shot. Yeah, I know, supremely gay pose. I have no doubt that more gay men find it attractive than do straight women. What can I say, I had just gotten off an 8 month deployment and had been drinking and thought "I'm in really good shape, I ought to document this for posterity and/or online dating purposes" So i did, and ever since this picture has kinda haunted me. It's just that when a kid who's always been just a little soft around the midsection suddenly finds himself in shape and drunk, there are many worse things he could do than take a photograph of himself in his barracks room while still wearing his stupid rigger's belt (tool). I wish there were a non-asswipe pose picture of me in this condition, but at that time in my life I didn't do a lot of shirtless photography and never really took more, so this is all i've got to show what once was. I hope to replace it with another similar one where I'm in the same shape, but maybe in not quite as homoerotic a pose.

I probably weighed 170-175 pounds in this picture, which was taken in March of '02. I was doing 30 pullups and running a 20 minute 3 mile and spending my weekends drinking, smoking, and being uncivilized. By June taco bell had gotten me back up to a beefy 190, where I bounced around +/- 5 lbs till I got out of the corps and promptly got up somewhere close to 210, where I stayed +/- 5 lbs till I started doing triathlons, which has taken about 10-15 pounds off.


So he'res last summer... 205 or so, blech. Note the beginnings of man boobs.


Today i weigh 196. I want to be in the 180's by April, and by the Half Ironman, back down to the mid/low 170's.

Let's see how I do! Will keep you updated...










Why does it feel so good to put this embarrassing, personal crap on the internet for all to see? What is wrong with me?

The Jon FAQ 1

Since so many of you have asked, I'll tell:

Sara asks: "Jon, what inspired you to start your own Blog?"

a: Sara, I go against the flow. I'm not really a run-with-the-pack kind of guy, I really am more of a wild loner. So when I saw that a couple of my friends who I want to impress had made cool blogs, I had to jump on that bandwagon and get me some of that wild action!

Shay asks: "Jon, tell us about your family life"

a: Shay, I'm a father of two and a husband (of one), am in the beginning of a promising career as a cubicle ranger, and enjoy the outdoors. Our family life typically consists of one family meal per week, beach on Sundays and the rest of the time trying to survive our middle class existence. I continue to lobby for a 30 Hour Day, which I feel would allow me to actually get something done.

Shaquondah Asks: "What do you like to do in your spare time?"

a: Shaquondah, If I admit that I actually have spare time, it will be taken from me and filled with various tasks. If I had such a thing, I would use it to play XBOX and take a nap.

Jacqui asks: "Jon, you have a unique blend of outright cockiness combined with self-effacing humor, it's like you want people to first dislike you, and then mock you... why? what's wrong with you"

a: Well, Jacqui, it all started when I was a kid and realized that I was pretty much awesomer than everyone, and continues to this day when I continue to be so out of this world intelligent and funny that I am the only one who gets my own humor, which, as mentioned, is truly awesome. Now, with this blog, my awesomeness is exposed to the world and surely some other truly awesome people will join me in my greatness. Recently, I was asked how I thought I could encourage people, and I replied that the best way I could think of was to stand upwind of them and hope some of my awesomeness sort of blows off of me and sticks to them, yknow, like pollen.

Thoughts on the showering process

my showering process was greatly simplified by the invention of the shampoo/bodywash combo in a single bottle. All I have to do now is dump a shot of goo on my head, lather it up real good, and then use my nog as the base refilling station for my varied bodily soap needs. I used to just use shampoo for the same thing... like most men I only wash parts that have hair on them, so shampoo works fine, and every follicle on me has such shine, bounce & body. But now the presence of the word "body wash" on my shampoo bottle puts me at greater ease.